I am a bit obsessed with figuring relationships out. Probably a good thing considering my chosen field right?
Growing up in a household where my mom and dad (in my humble opinion) should have never been married, had me questioning love, marriage and relationships for as long as I can remember.
What is the secret to a long lasting relationship?
How does one have a healthy relationship?
What is needed to make it work?
In my years of observing, studying and experiencing relationships for myself, I have come to the following conclusion:
It’s not about love.
Yes love is important and it is a foundational piece in a relationship, however it is not the end all be all. Just like sex cannot be the end all be all.
It’s about having your needs and wants met.
A relationship is complex. There are multiple facets to it. For it to work, all of the components need to be there and functioning, or at least a majority of them.
Within that is communication, connection, honesty, respect, admiration, love, etc. Those are the tools in order to meet each other’s needs.
A relationship can only go so far before it stalls or deteriorates if the fundamental pieces are not operating in a healthy capacity.
It is about both people wondering “What can I bring to the table and how can I make this relationship work?” on a constant basis.
I have been coming to this realization from a very personal and recent place.
Not even two days ago, I had the conversation that most people dread. My romantic relationship had been in a rough spot for a couple of months now and was inevitably coming to an end.
Regardless of how much we loved each other, it simply was not working. He was not in a place in his life where he had the capacity for a relationship. I on the other hand was, and still very much am. I want, and am willing to do the necessary work, to have a relationship.
We were on the same page in one respect … this relationship was not working. For either of us.
As I mentioned, it’s not about love. Because I love that man more than I have ever loved anyone before.
Being with him and loving him, I learned unconditional. I learned to be open, honest and vulnerable. I learned to face my fears and communicate them to someone who compassionately held me and my fears while I worked through them. And he, in turn, loves me (present tense). This I know undoubtedly.
Yet my needs and wants were not getting met. I barely heard from him in between visits. He rarely reached out or planned the next time we would see each other. Super important things for someone like me who travels a majority of the time. His schedule got busier and my place in his life became smaller and smaller.
I felt more alone in my relationship than I did when I was single.
His needs and wants were space and self-reflection. There was no room in his life, physically or emotionally for a relationship. Had nothing to do with me or how much he loved me. I could see how much it pained him to be with me and not be able to give me what I needed.
At the end of the day, as a couple, the foundational piece was missing for us:
The desire of both parties to do whatever is needed to make sure the relationship is thriving and growing.
No matter how much you like, or love, the person you are dating, or in relationship with, if you are unable to meet each other’s needs, then what is the point?
I am not speaking from a bitter place, but from a truthful one. Were tears shed as my relationship with someone I loved dearly came to an end? Absolutely. Yet I was not happy and needed to do something about it. I knew it was the right thing to do, especially for the future of my love life.
I want us all to have relationships that are fulfilling, inspiring and solid. I want us to experience being cared for, taken care of and adored.
All of this is possible. But it takes work. Can’t have the hot bod without time spent in the gym. Same goes for relationships.
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As a thank you, you will get a surprise from me as well … an in-depth worksheet where you list out your ideal partner and relationship. When you are clear, they appear…It works like magic I tell ya. XO